Vinay Jobanputra

MP: And do you think that's linked to you kind of just worried about being like the only brown person in the room? Do you reckon that's linked to where you were brought up, where actually...?

VJ: It was only brown people in the room.

MP: Yeah?

VJ: Yeah. Yeah, definitely. Like, that's one thing that I did struggle with for a while when I was in Leicester. I love being like around South Asian people and like having South Asian friends, and there's like a Garba on round there, and there's like…you know, you can go to good food. Like there's just community, there's just so much of that there, and I love that there. But there's nothing going on for queer people there, and there's nothing about that part of my identity there. Whereas coming to London, I felt more like there's so many queer events here, and loads of like queer activities, but you go to a queer club, and like everyone's white. And it's like finding out how...how do I find both of those? How do I...where are the queer South Asians here? And in Leicester? Like how can I celebrate both? But luckily like now I'm here, like fortunate to be part of so many groups that are for queer South Asians. So I feel like that's made me...now I'm used to that as well. So I don't go to a queer club where I know it's going to be just white people, because I'm fortunate to have the choice of going somewhere where I know celebrates both identities.

MP: And so why wouldn't you go to a space which is just white queer people?

VJ: I feel like there's a few reasons. I feel like one is just different backgrounds, different perspectives. Like, I've dealt with so many things that I think white people could have dealt with, but pro...probably more of a South Asian crowd would understand what I've gone through more. Like, an example is like when I'm with white queer people, they're like...they say, so have you come out to your parents? And you've just met. And like that's a weird thing to ask. I didn't realize that until I was...in queer and South Asian spaces, no one asked that question. Because we all know that most of us either probably haven't, or it's a really touchy subject, and it's quite personal. Whereas in a white queer space...I've also been in a white queer space where they're like, 'God, the laws in India like, what...what is it again? Is it legal? Is it illegal? When did it become...?' And it's like, you don't even know that I'm Indian, first of all. Obviously I am, but you didn't know that, you've just assumed that because of how I look. Two, I might not give a shit about that, I might not want to talk about that right now. Like, there's just those differences. Do you get what I mean? There's just so many things like that which like you can just avoid when you're in a queer South Asian space, or even a space for queer people of colour, like that makes a huge difference to. It's just non-white spaces, I think, you...you kind of remove all of that stuff. And that's not to say all white people are like that in those spaces, but it just happens often. And it happens a lot often to friends. I’d say that's one aspect of it is like just, yeah, feeling other to feeling like you're kind of someone that they're kind of like fascinated by and want to learn about. And then there's a second reason as well for me if it's about social events is the music. I don't want to always be listening to Katy Perry in a queer club. Like, I want to be dancing to Bollywood, I want to be listening to bhangra, I want to experience my music, like music that I've grown up around, music that I can sing to, music that I can dance to. That's another reason. And then I think also there's an element of feeling desirable in a space. And I guess that varies depending on like what you're looking for in your life. But if you're on a night out and, you know, you can see like loads of people talking to each other and like flirting, and especially at this age, like that is what happens, right? With your friends, you go out, and you're...you’re trying to talk to people and get to know people. Like, I've been in spaces where it's like, I'm just too insecure to even like approach anybody, because I'm like, I look so different to everybody here. My nose looks different, I've got so much body hair, and there's just things like that. Whereas when I've gone to queer South Asian spaces and everyone looks like that, you feel more confident, you feel more accepted. So there's...there's that element of it too.

VJ: So interesting, because I didn’t...I wasn't prepared to do this. I...and I think this is really...when I look back on this, I feel quite guilty that she's not someone that I ever planned on coming out to. I just thought to myself, I'll deal with that one day if I ever need to. If it ever comes to that, when I have to tell her, then I'll mention it to her. Because I also think I was so nervous about it, because we've never had an issue. Like, we've never disagreed on anything, she's never been the kind of ma to get angry or snappy. So I didn't want to now do something that would upset her, because I've never...I feel like I never have my whole life, right? So I didn't really want to do that. And it was when I came out to everyone else and started doing things like radio talks and going online and being quite vocal, that my auntie said, 'Have you told Baa?' And I was like, 'No, I didn't even think to do that.' And she said, 'It's not very fair that you're like broadcasting it everywhere online, like anybody could go back and tell her.' And, you know, she...my auntie didn't mean it in a...in a bad way, she just sort of wanted to remind me that it could get back to her, and it would be...obviously be a lot nicer coming from me. And I agree with that. But then I was like, 'Oh my God, what am I going to do? How am I going to say it? When am I going to say it?' And again, it was, we were at her house, we were just watching TV, and I just said, I know my Gujarati’s going to be so wrong even if I try and say it now, but I just said, 'Baa...', I...I said in Gujarati like, 'I need to...I need to tell you something. [speaks in Gujarati] I said, I need to tell you something.' And then she...she was like, hmm? Like, that's what she said, she was just like, hmm? And I was like [speaks in Gujarati]. And that basically means when I get married, it's going to be with a boy, not with a girl. And then...because I didn't know how to say I'm gay or I'm a homosexual, so that's the kind of the only way I could think of saying it, it was to frame it around marriage, which is also interesting, because me not having the...the tools to say I'm gay kind of meant that I had to say that I'm one day going to get married, which I don't even know if that's something I want. But it was the only way I could think of saying it. And then it was really funny, because her first...her first response to me was, she said something like, [speaks in Gujarati]. And I was like, no. Because basically, what she said there was, 'Oh, so you're getting married now, like this young?' And I was like, 'No, no, no, no, just when I do it's going to be with a man, and not a woman.' And then she was like, 'Oh.' And then this is something that I'll always remember for the rest of my life, that's when she said, 'That's fine as long as you don't marry someone like your mum.' And I thought that was brilliant, because she's just so honest. And it made me laugh a lot that I was...I was worried about the wrong things. And, you know, she...she said...afterwards I wanted to get more from her, because I wanted to know what she really thought. And I said, 'Are you okay? Like, how do you feel?' I was trying to say it in Gujarati again, but like I...like I didn't know how to say like, how do you feel about me being gay? But I just had to...kind of had to say like, 'Is that fine?' That's kind of what I said is, is that fine? And she was like, yeah, that's fine. And she said, 'You know, I see it on TV all the time now these days, like girls get married to girls.' And then she said, 'As long as all my grandchildren are happy, that's all that matters.' And that was really sweet. And that's, you know, like an 82-year-old woman who's lived, you know, like a lot of her life in Kenya, has come here, isn't exposed to like media or like LGBT media that much, like, and she still was able to just kind of bypass all of her preconceptions or the thought of what people are going to say, and that...that meant a lot to me. I think that was really nice. And see like, after that, I'm like, I have no one to hide from, and that's the last person I kind of told, and if she's okay with it, then I don't really care what anybody else thinks, especially strangers. Like, if I got any hate, I'm like, well, I don't really care because I have all the support I need from people that I was worried that I might not get it from. So yeah, and I think since then, we’ve...we’ve...we've never spoken about it again. And that was like a good, nearly probably two years ago that I came out to my grandma. And it's never come up. But my cousin's getting married next year, and they found their priest recently. And my grandma rang...rang, and she was like, 'Oh, you know, he's found his priest for the wedding, just so you know like, that priest also does men-men marriages and women-women marriages.' And I was like, 'Okay, thank you for letting me know.' And then that's it. So like we’ve...we've never spoken about me being gay since then, but the fact that she told me that, I think was really nice, and I think it was her kind of way of telling me that we've got a contact if you ever need it, get married now.

MP: Give...give you a nudge.

VJ: Yeah, yeah, probably, yeah. [Inaudible 4:20]. And it's the same thing with my dad as well, he keeps saying like, 'Okay, we accept...we accept you now, we accept the fact that you have a boyfriend, so can you...can you please get one?'

MP: Do you find that that emphasis that still exists on marriage like comforting? Or how do you feel about that? Because it's still like...

VJ: Yeah.

MP: Marriage is still then central, right?

VJ: Yeah, this is what's really interesting. Because at the same time, I'm so lucky that my dad is pressurizing me to get married to a man, because I know a lot of people would love that, and a lot of people don't have that. So, you know, it's...it's...it's...it's one of those things where, you know, I'm not too like...I don't have many strong opinions on marriage for myself. I don't know yet if it's something I want or if it's something I don't want. I think if my family, if I was to tell them I don't want to get married, I think it would be completely fine. But I know that it's something they're really excited about and like, they...they are very excited for like a big gay Indian wedding. Because that's just like double the extra. So, you know, I think it's something they're really excited about. But yeah, it's really interesting because it's just something I never thought I'd hear. I never thought I'd hear that from my dad or from my grandmother, like, 'Oh, when you get married to a man' or something like that. So, yeah, I think I need to get a move on.

Entry credit

Karishma Kaur