Tayyaba

T: Growing up, it was a Muslim household, but my parents never really sort of forced religion on us. So, my dad would pray regularly, my mum would pray occasionally. We did go to...like, me and my sisters did attend mosque after schools on Sundays, to learn how to sort of read Arabic and like read the Qur'an and stuff. So, that was the only...it wasn't forced, but that was like the only thing where my parents actively were involved with it. But other than that, they never really pushed it on us. But like my dad would talk about religion, and, you know, he'd help us study the Qur'an, and be like, 'Oh, this story's about that, this prayer's for this.' But it was always fairly easy-going. The point was just to be a good person and, like, to be...and to be a good Muslim. And for my parents, that meant sort of just being kind and generous and a nice person, and having faith in God. That was it. As I grew up, they did become a little bit more...so my mum prayed a lot more, but again, they never really forced it on us. My mum's never worn hijab, my dad never expected me and my sisters to wear it. I chose to wear it for about four years, and then I didn't want to wear it anymore, and they were okay with both me starting and stopping it, so it was never a big thing. But it was always a personal thing to me. Because I loved reading, growing up. So like I used to just get these little...you know, the like little books on Islam, and I'd read them, and I found it interesting. And I'd, like, read like English translations of the Qur'an and I'd be like, 'Yeah, I'm...I agree with a lot of this, or I agree with this bit, but I don't agree with this bit.' So I'd like question the things that I didn't understand or didn't agree with. But it was always quite...I always...I always felt an affinity towards sort of studying anything and everything, to be fair. I've always...I've always, like, had a really big thirst for knowledge. I will read anything, and I will learn about anything. So, like, when I was going through my little like theology phase, I was reading about all the religions and all sorts of like belief systems. And, you know, what...sort of what I found interesting or what I thought was important. And it just sort of...it was...because it was never pushed on us as kids, it was always just...I know I was growing up Muslim, I...Muslim, I knew I was in a Muslim household. We, you know, fasted during Ramadan, we celebrated Eid, we did a few of the other little festivals. And like my dad's family's a little bit more sort of like Sufi. So, there's different sects of Islam, so you've got like Sunni and Shia are the main ones, then you've got like Sufi, which can be in both or a separate sort of sect, and it's a lot more philosophical and emotional, and sort of less rigid than the others. And like that is what I sort of felt about my religion. Like, I was like, yeah, I believe in God, I believe we should be doing, like, things like giving to charity and like, yeah, you should do pilgrimage if you can afford it. But like you should treat others with respect and kindness, and you should...so, the more I studied it, the more it was like, oh, like God's given you a planet to look after. So I got...and I was already into caring about the environment, so I was like, oh, well, that makes sense. So I was like, yeah, of course, like I will look after the planet that like God's given us to sort of protect and care for. And then, you know, it was always about...so like, the Prophet Muhammad was always, like, really charitable and, like, looked after people who needed help, or if he see...saw anyone in need or if anyone was being oppressed, he would stand up and help them, and stand up for them. So then when I got into punk and politics, and I'm like, yeah, like the poor and the working class absolutely need to be stood up for, and, so, you know, I was like we...a lot of it just it all made sense to me, it just sort of seemed to click. So, things that I've...I had studied in my religion were also coming up in real life. And it was like, you know, punk was all about challenging the norm and trying to be a better person and being kind to those who are struggling. For me, anyway, that's what punk was about. So then, yeah, my religion told me the same thing. So it just sort of...for me, it gelled and meshed together. And it was a lot about not just blindly following, like, not necessarily fashions and trends. But like you should focus on being a good person. You shouldn't worry about what other people are doing. You should help others. You should stand up for what's right. And that all tied in with what I understood punk to be. So it never was weird to me that it didn't...it was that I was Muslim and I was punk.

MP: And so, again, I'm going to refer to you described being tied to your South Asian culture. Do you mind telling me a little bit more about what that means?

T: Yeah. So like, I still feel very South Asian, even though a lot of South Asians don't think I'm very South Asian. So like, because...like I said, I grew up with Bollywood. I grew up with...like, I loved cricket, which is such a South Asian thing. And like I...like, food’s really important to our culture and sort of like the...you know, clothes and big family gatherings and all of that stuff. And it's still...I still enjoy all of that. I don't have as many South Asian clothes now, because I just...I gained loads of weight over the years and I've never bought anything new. But I still think it looks...like, I still love bright colours and, like, bright, shiny things, and I just like them in a different way. But like all of the colourfulness of South Asian culture has always been one of my favourite things about it. That’s why...I mean, I don't mind the occasional goth band, but I...and I wear a lot of black, but generally, if I'm given a choice, I will wear every colour possible. Like, I used to when I was a teenager, just wear as many colours as I physically could. Like, I had these bright orange jeans and like blue trainers and like a green hoodie, and it just...it looked like an absolute mess, but I loved like the colour of South Asian clothes. So like, whenever we went to like weddings and stuff, and like...or if we went to an event and mum...we were going shopping for South Asian clothes, like I'm absolutely getting like a nice bright colour with loads of sparkly bits on it. And like food, like I said, food’s such a big part of our culture. So, like my mum's a great cook, so every time I get a chance, I'm like, yes, I will have some food, Mum, like, thanks for cook...like, it doesn't matter how many restaurants and things you go to, no one can cook like a South Asian mum can cook. Like, there's just something to the way...to the way they cook. And like, I...you know, I don't like actively sit there going, oh, I'm a brown person. But like when like religious holidays like Eid rolled around, like, yeah, I feel I am Muslim, and I feel Muslim. Like, I don't have a lot of ties to the Muslim community. Like, my religion’s a very personal thing to me. And you can't tell by looking at me if I am or I'm not a certain religion, but you can tell by looking at me that I am not white. So, even if I don't necessarily think about being South Asian, I know I am. And like people look at me and they know I am. But, yeah, like I think the biggest ties for me are like food cult...food and like clothing. And music. I do still love a little bit of Bollywood. There's...it's just so good. It’s just like, yeah, I know it's all about love and like just feelings and family and all of that stuff that I'm not that bothered about, but it's still some...there's still some good tunes out there. And I'm like the most unco-ordinated person on the planet, but I love like a bit of a like a dancey number in a Bollywood film. And there's also like...I've discovered over the years, like there's a lot of like rock and metal and punk bands in like India and Pakistan. And some of them are, you know, getting quite big. Like, back in the day, there were some that were doing big in their own countries and didn't necessarily become like international successes, but there's a lot now. Again, maybe because of social media. But there's some huge bands. So like, whenever I see like a South Asian in a band of any type, or even in pop music, I'm like, wow, that's great, like good for us. Like, I see it as like a community achievement. So yeah, like I do sometimes feel like South Asians might be judging me, and that is something I've come to terms with, and it's okay. But I have the same feeling with Muslims as well. So like, I've had a lot of Muslims go, well, you can't really be Muslim, because you don't dress like in a certain way, or, you know, you don't dress a certain way, or you go to gigs where, you know, people drink in bars. I'm like, yeah, but I don't drink. Like, it's just sort of...I think people find it difficult to sort of understand how I can be Muslim and punk. And then South Asians struggle sometimes to understand me in general. But then some of it, I think, is...some of it's curiosity, and some of it is just like, oh, that's cool, like you got...you did your own thing. And other times, they just don't get it, and they think I'm insane, but that's fine too. Like, my parents told me, it doesn't matter what people think about you. So, it used...it did bother me when I first moved to Bradford that I feel South Asian, but other South Asians didn't necessarily think that I fit what they think a South Asian should look like and be doing.

T: I guess it's been nice to sort of see that...I mean, I always knew that other South Asian punks and goths and metalheads existed, but I couldn't see them, I was like, there's no way I'm the only one. So it's been nice to like see that other people have similar interests. And like just how they get into the music is always interesting to me. Because a lot of people who get into like rock and metal, like more traditional alternative music, tend to do it because their parents were into it. And with South Asians, to me, it meant that you normally ended up listening to like Bollywood, because that's what your parents were listening to. But I'm seeing like with younger people, especially the younger people that are in the collective, like their parents actually liked like metal and rock. So like they grew up listening to like Guns 'n' Roses and Metallica or whoever. So, then it's not that weird for them to like the music that they like. A lot of...there’s some...hardly anyone in the collective, unfortunately, likes ska punk, so I'm very much alone. There's like one person who's heard of some of the bands I like. A lot of people are more into like what...some...like, what's called post-punk, which is a lot of sort of like grunge, and like rock and ballads and stuff that I can appreciate for being good music, but it isn't something I would normally listen to. But it's been sort of...you know, we were talking recently about tattoos, and just sort of how some...like, some of the collective members were saying, 'Oh no, I just turned up, and my mum just had to accept that I had a tattoo.' And other people are like, 'Oh no, I hid it from my dad for like five years, and then he suddenly saw it one day, and I was like, yeah, no, I've had it for like five years.' And there's other people who are like, 'No, I can't get one because my parents will kill me.' And like some of...yeah, some people are quite young, so like 19, 20, so they're still living at home. But then there's some of us, like me, who have not lived with their parents for ten years and still are absolutely terrified. Like, will not get a tattoo because our parents would probably disown us. But it's just nice to have people to like talk to about that kind of stuff. And it's not that deep, it's just nice. But if I ever mentioned it to like...whenever I've mentioned it in the past, like white friends are like, 'Oh, I really want a tattoo, but I'm scared of what my mum would say', it was like, 'Well, just get one.' I'm like, 'No, I'm not going to have a therapy session with you, but I can tell you I'm not going to get one now.' So yeah, it's just been nice to have that collective. Even if we don't have the same tastes, it's just nice. And also, like I personally don't...apart from people thinking I was Leila sometimes, I never really experienced any racism, like, or microaggressions within the little scene that I'm in. But hearing other people's experiences has sort of made me go, oh, actually, no, that...it is a problem. And like having people share that is quite important, because it's not that it reminds me, like I know it exists. I've had racist...like, I've had experiences of racism outside of music. But like within music, like to me, it's always been like, punk's so super-inclusive, and like it's great and no one's ever having a bad time. But, you know, like in most sort of small communities, or even big communities like the rock and metal communities, you will come across people who are racist, or people who are homophobic or like misogynist. And, you know, it's just...there's a place for people to share that if they wanted to share that. We don't have a lot of people sharing it, but I know that if anyone did share it, they'd just be met with sort of like empathy and care. And it'd be like, yeah, you can talk to us about this, because not everyone will understand. So yeah, it's good to have that for people who need it.

• WEIRDO zine

Entry credit

Laura Owen